Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
