best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
