I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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