just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
