Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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