My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
