If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
