I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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