I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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