I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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