i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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