Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I think my moral compass just broke
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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