i will never coherently bang her
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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