So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Liz is crying about burritos again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
