He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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