Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
