The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
