Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
