Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
