Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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