My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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