I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.