Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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