So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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