I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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