he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
