im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
