So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
