I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
