remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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