I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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