Where did you get a picture of my penis
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
