You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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