I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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