i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
