I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
