You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
