i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
