We won't sleep together?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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