Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
