remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
