I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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