She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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