Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
