so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
