I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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