Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
