i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You may now shotgun with the bride
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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