im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
