those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
