So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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