I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
