Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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