I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
