you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
